22. Unequal Friendships and the Nature of Loving

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Lecture Notes

Main Topics #

• Friendships Among Unequals: Aristotle’s analysis of how genuine friendship exists between parties of unequal status, virtue, or power (parent-child, husband-wife, ruler-ruled, God-man)
• The Iliad and Odyssey as Models: Homer’s works exemplify equal friendship (Achilles and Patroclus) and unequal friendships (Odysseus with wife, son, and servant)
• Proportional vs. Numerical Equality: Unequal friendships maintain equality through proportional reciprocity rather than identical exchange
• The Problem of Infinite Inequality: Whether friendship is possible when the distance between parties becomes too great (exemplified in God-man friendship)
• The Incarnation as Solution: How God becoming man makes friendship between God and man more accessible
• Loving vs. Being Loved: The distinction between these two components of friendship and which is more essential

Key Arguments #

Why Unequal Friendships Differ in Nature #

• In unequal friendships, the virtue and work of each party differ fundamentally
  • Example: A son’s virtue includes obedience; a father’s includes foresight and discipline
  • Therefore, the reasons for loving are not the same in each direction
  • Because the reasons for loving differ, the love itself is not identical in both directions
  • Yet friendship remains genuine because it is based on proportional equality, not numerical equality

The Father-Son Friendship #

• The father loves the son because the son is a continuation of himself (reproduction)
• The son loves the father because the father gave him life, nourishment, and education
• These are genuinely different reasons, hence different loves
• The son is “always in debt to the father” (Cicero’s principle)
• Yet friendship persists when “children give to parents what is owed to those who have begotten them, and parents have given to sons what is owed to children”

Proportional Equality in Unequal Friendships #

• “The same things do not come to be to either from the other, nor ought they to be the same” (Aristotle/Shakespeare)
• In justice: Equality is first according to worth, then according to quantity (e.g., paying the market value for a house)
• In friendship: Equality is first according to quantity (a kind of numerical equality between persons), then according to worth (how each treats the other according to their station)
• “When the loving comes to be according to worth, then there comes to be in some way equality which seems to belong to friendship”

The Problem of Great Inequality #

• When inequality becomes too great, friendship becomes difficult or impossible
• “If there is a great distance in virtue or wickedness or wealth or something other, they are no longer friends or expected to be”
• Examples: Someone who becomes vastly wealthier or more educated; a friend who becomes a bishop or pope
• No precise limit can be set for how much inequality destroys friendship (Aristotle notes this reflects the imprecision necessary in ethics, unlike mathematics)
• The question arises: Can there be friendship between God and man, given infinite inequality?

God and Man: A Friendship Across Infinite Distance #

• God loves man because man is made in God’s image and likeness
• Man loves God because God created him, conserves him, and guides him to his final end
• These are different reasons for loving, yet genuine friendship is possible
• The Incarnation makes this friendship more possible by reducing the infinite distance
  • Thomas Aquinas cites this as one reason the Incarnation is reasonable
  • God becoming man makes friendship between God and man “much more possible”
  • The burning bush (fire not consuming the bush) prefigures this: the divine nature does not destroy the human nature
• The Incarnation is the most wonderful thing God has made (Thomas Aquinas, Summa Contra Gentiles IV)
• Because of the Incarnation, there is more friendship between God and man than before

Loving vs. Being Loved #

• Friendship requires both loving and being loved, but not equally

• People tend to seek more to be loved than to love

  • Reason: Being loved seems close to being honored, and people naturally desire honor as confirmation of their excellence
  • “You’re nobody until somebody loves you” reflects this desire
  • Even saints like St. Francis must pray to love more than to be loved
  • St. Augustine similarly struggled with desiring more to be loved than to love

• Friendship consists more essentially in loving than in being loved

  • Loving is an act that perfects the lover; being loved is not an act in the beloved but an extrinsic denomination
  • Analogy: In justice, justice consists more in paying what is owed than in receiving what is owed
  • The nursing mother who gives her child to a wet nurse demonstrates that seeking the good of the beloved (loving) is more important than being loved
  • Aristotle concludes: “Friendship, which consists in loving and being loved, not in honor as such, is therefore also desirable to itself”

The Distinction Between Being Loved and Being Honored #

• Being loved is sought for its own sake (intrinsic good)
• Being honored is sought primarily:
  • For the confirmation of one’s opinion about one’s own excellence
  • Or for the hope of receiving something from the one who honors (extrinsic reason)
  • Or as a sign of expected good things to come
• Therefore, being loved is better than being honored because it is desired for itself

Important Definitions #

• Proportional Equality (ἰσότης κατὰ ἀναλογίαν): In unequal friendships, equality is maintained not through identical exchange but through proportional reciprocity—each party gives and receives according to their station and capacity

• Reproduction: The father is reproduced in the son (not the son produced again); the father and mother are reproduced in the children

• Extrinsic Denomination: Being loved is an extrinsic denomination—I am said to be loved because of an act of loving in another person, not because of an act in myself

• The Act of Loving: Wishing well to another for their own sake; a real perfection of the lover’s will and the essential act of friendship

• Flattery: Undeserved praise; praise more than one deserves. Opposed to true friendship because it prevents the correction of faults and thus does not serve the good of the friend

• Envy: Sadness at another’s good fortune. Even more opposed to friendship than flattery because it contradicts the fundamental requirement that a friend wish well to the friend

Examples & Illustrations #

Homer’s Works #

• Iliad: Exemplifies the tragedy of equal friendship between Achilles and Patroclus
• Odyssey: Celebrates three unequal friendships:
  • Odysseus and Penelope (husband-wife): Penelope waits 20 years faithfully
  • Odysseus and Telemachus (father-son)
  • Odysseus and Eumaeus (master-servant)

Literary Parallels in St. Paul #

• St. Paul’s epistles reflect the same three unequal friendships that Aristotle identified in the household:
  • Advice to husbands and wives
  • Advice to fathers and sons
  • Advice to masters and slaves
• These relationships existed in both Aristotle’s and Paul’s times, showing the universality of the pattern

Historical and Literary Examples #

• David Copperfield (Dickens): Illustrates how great disparity in fortune (poverty vs. wealth, obscurity vs. fame) destroys friendship
• Johnson and the bumpkin from his hometown: Johnson’s rise to world fame in London created such disparity that intimate friendship became impossible
• Thomas Beckett and King Henry II: Friendship destroyed when Beckett becomes Archbishop (elevation in status)
• Military hierarchy: Officer and soldier have different virtues (soldier’s obedience and bravery; officer’s foresight and care for troops) and different reasons for loving
  • First World War generals criticized for unnecessary sacrifice of men
  • MacArthur’s island-hopping strategy in Second World War minimized casualties
  • Shakespeare’s Henry V captures this well (Battle of Agincourt scene)

The Nursing Mother #

• A mother may give her infant to a wet nurse for better care
• The child will naturally love the wet nurse more (due to intimacy and daily care)
• Yet the mother rejoices in the child’s welfare
• This demonstrates that loving (seeking the good of the beloved) is more important than being loved
• Those most perfect in love seek more to love than to be loved

Honor vs. Love #

• A student rejoices when a professor praises his work—not primarily for honor, but for confirmation that he’s on the right track
• Grandparents want to be loved by grandchildren for its own sake
• This shows the intrinsic value of being loved (unlike honor, which serves external purposes)

Notable Quotes #

“The virtue and the work of these is different” — Aristotle, on why unequal friendships have different reasons for loving on each side

“For when the loving comes to be according to worth, then there comes to be in some way equality which seems to belong to friendship” — Aristotle, on proportional equality

“When thou art old and hast seen thy blood warm when thou feelest it cold” — Shakespeare, on why fathers love sons (as continuation of themselves)

“The son is always in debt to the father” — Cicero

“More to love than to be loved” — Prayer of St. Francis, expressing the ideal of perfect friendship

“My loving you is a real perfection of me as a friend, isn’t it? But is my being loved a real perfection of me? At most, it’s a sign of perfection in me” — Berquist’s explanation of why friendship consists more in loving than being loved

Questions Addressed #

Can there be friendship between unequals? #

Answer: Yes, but it differs fundamentally from friendship between equals. The parties have different virtues, different works, and different reasons for loving. However, proportional equality allows genuine friendship to exist.

What is the difference between the father’s love for the son and the son’s love for the father? #

Answer: The father loves the son as a continuation/reproduction of himself; the son loves the father as his benefactor and source of life, education, and nourishment. These are genuinely different loves based on different reasons.

Can there be friendship between God and man? #

Answer: Yes, though the inequality is infinite. God loves man as His image and likeness; man loves God as Creator, Sustainer, and Guide. The Incarnation makes this friendship more possible by reducing the distance and demonstrating God’s solidarity with human nature.

Why do people seek more to be loved than to love? #

Answer: Because being loved seems close to being honored, and people naturally desire honor as confirmation of their excellence. However, this represents a defect in friendship, not its perfection.

Does friendship consist equally in loving and being loved? #

Answer: No. Friendship consists more essentially in loving, which is an act perfecting the lover. Being loved is not an act in the beloved but an extrinsic denomination—I am said to be loved because of an act in another person, not in myself.

How is the relationship between justice and friendship similar yet different? #

Answer: Both involve a kind of equality, but achieved differently. In justice, equality is first achieved according to worth (determining the fair price), then according to quantity (the actual exchange). In friendship, equality is first according to quantity (the existence of persons as equals), then according to worth (how each treats the other according to their station).