19. Friendship: Definition, Types, and the Perfect Friendship

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Lecture Notes

Main Topics #

The Etymology and Nature of Friendship #

• The Greek word φιλία (philia) etymologically connects friendship to love (φιλέω - philein, to love)
• Philadelphia combines φιλία with ἀδελφός (adelphos, brother), meaning brotherly love
• Philosopher (φιλόσοφος) literally means lover of wisdom
• Friendship is fundamentally tied to loving, yet not all love constitutes friendship

Essential Definition of Friendship #

Friendship requires four elements that cannot be omitted without failing to define it:

1. Mutual goodwill (εὔνοια) - wishing well to the other person
2. Reciprocity - this goodwill must be mutual, not one-sided
3. Knowledge - both parties must know of this mutual goodwill
4. A lovable object - the goodwill must be directed toward something lovable: the good, the pleasant, or the useful

The Lovable (τὸ ἐραστόν) #

• Before understanding love and friendship, one must first understand what is lovable
• Aristotle identifies three categories of the lovable:
  • The good (τὸ ἀγαθόν) - virtue itself, that which is good in the full sense
  • The pleasant (τὸ ἡδύ) - that which pleases the senses or imagination
  • The useful (τὸ χρήσιμον) - that which serves as a means to some good or pleasure
• Love and preference vary based on whether something is truly good for us or merely appears to be good

Why Inanimate Objects Cannot Be Friends #

• Friendship requires reciprocal loving - loving in return
• One cannot have genuine goodwill toward objects (wine, candy, steak)
• It is laughable to wish good to a bottle of wine, especially when one intends to consume and destroy it
• True friendship requires wishing good to the friend for the friend’s sake, not for one’s own consumption

Key Arguments #

The Three Forms of Friendship Among Equals #

1. Friendship Based on Utility

• Friends love each other insofar as one is useful or advantageous to the other
• The useful is a means to good or pleasure (not the good itself)
• These friendships are per accidens (by accident) - based on accidental qualities that may change
• Characteristic of older people with practical concerns
• Most unstable: dissolves immediately when usefulness ceases
• Example: political alliances based on mutual advantage (England allies with France against Germany at one period, with Austria against France at another)

2. Friendship Based on Pleasure

• Friends love each other because each provides pleasure to the other
• Characteristic especially of the young, who live by emotion and desire present gratification
• Pleasure can come from the same source (both enjoying witty conversation) or different sources (one enjoys beauty, the other enjoys being admired)
• Changes swiftly as tastes and interests change
• More stable when both parties take pleasure in the same things
• Young people change friends rapidly as their interests shift (from games to sports to romantic interests)

3. Friendship Based on Virtue (Perfect Friendship)

• Friends love each other for what they are in themselves, as good people with virtue
• The only friendship that is friendship simply and without qualification
• Per se - based on what things are in themselves, not on accidents
• Most stable because virtue itself is stable
• Requires time and familiarity to develop; one must come to know and trust the other’s virtue through experience
• The virtuous are both useful and pleasant to one another as secondary benefits

Why Perfect Friendship is Superior #

• The good are lovable both in themselves and to each other
• The virtuous are pleasant to one another (more truly so than mere pleasure-seekers)
• The virtuous are useful to one another (more truly so than those seeking mere utility)
• Perfect friendship encompasses what the lower friendships possess but transcends them
• Unlike lower friendships, it does not dissolve when circumstances change

The Rarity of Perfect Friendship #

• “The best things are rare” (ancient wisdom from the Seven Wise Men of Greece)
• Virtuous people are few
• The saying “Few are good, many are bad” reflects both Greek philosophy and Christian Scripture (“Many are called, but few are chosen”)
• Even among the virtuous, friendship requires time to develop
• One must “take the required amount of salt together” (eating together as a sign of familiarity)
• Trust and knowledge of the other’s virtue cannot be rushed

Important Definitions #

φιλία (philia): Friendship; etymologically connected to φιλέω (to love). Demonstrates the inseparable connection between friendship and love.

εὔνοια (eunoia): Goodwill; wishing well to another. Must be mutual and known to constitute friendship. Benevolent persons (εὐνοῶν) have goodwill but not necessarily reciprocated friendship.

τὸ ἐραστόν (to erastón): The lovable; that which is worthy of love. The object of love determines the type of friendship.

Per se vs. Per accidens: Perfect friendship is based on what things are in themselves (per se, intrinsically); lesser friendships depend on accidental qualities (per accidens) that may change or disappear.

ἕξις (hexis): Habit or disposition; a stable characteristic. Friendship is a habit, and our friendships arise from our habitual dispositions.

Examples & Illustrations #

Literary Examples #

Homer’s Iliad: The friendship of Achilles and Patroclus represents friendship based on virtue (courage), the virtue most honored by the Greeks. Their bond exemplifies perfect friendship among equals.

Shakespeare’s Hamlet: Hamlet’s statement about Horatio—“Give me that man that is not passion’s slave, and I will wear him in my heart of hearts”—exemplifies friendship chosen for the friend’s character and virtue, not for utility or pleasure.

Shakespeare’s The Two Gentlemen of Verona: Proteus (named after the Greek god who constantly changes shape) demonstrates the instability of pleasure-based friendship. He is in love with Julia, then abandons her for Sylvia on the same day, willing to betray his friend Valentine to win her. His passions shift like water changing containers.

Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet: Romeo moves from being in love with Rosalind to being in love with Juliet upon seeing her at the Capulet house, illustrating how young people change romantic attachments rapidly.

Washington Irving’s “The Wife” from the Sketchbook: A story illustrating true friendship and love. A wealthy man, facing financial ruin, fears his wife will reject him. However, she loves him for himself—not for his wealth—and cheerfully accepts their reduced circumstances. This exemplifies friendship based on virtue rather than utility.

Comic Movies: Films where a man pretends to have wealth and a woman pretends to be well-off; upon discovering neither has money, they discover they were friends based on appearance and utility, with nothing to sustain the relationship.

Historical Examples #

Stalin and Literary Figures: Stalin surrounded himself with literary people, finding them pleasing to be around. This exemplifies friendship of pleasure rather than virtue.

U.S. Senate Clubs: Senators form informal clubs where they tell jokes and enjoy each other’s company despite partisan differences. Republicans and Democrats can be friends of pleasure (both enjoying wit and good humor).

Dole and Gore: Both former presidential candidates, they made jokes together about past debates after their campaigns ended, exemplifying friendship based on shared pleasure in wit.

Presidential Golf Friendships: Presidents often choose golfing companions they find pleasant, illustrating friendship of pleasure rather than the highest kind.

Eisenhower-Nixon Ticket: Eisenhower (eastern establishment) chose Nixon (west coast) as vice president for political balance. They were useful to each other but not friends in the highest sense; the friendship dissolved after the election.

Kennedy-LBJ Ticket: Kennedy (strong in the north) chose LBJ (strong in the south) for geographical balance. Again, a useful friendship, not a perfect one.

Personal Anecdotes #

The Blue PT Cruiser: Berquist’s anecdote about receiving a bright blue PT Cruiser from a rental company and the parishioner’s reaction illustrates how people form impressions and expectations based on external appearances.

Parish Survey Encounter: Berquist’s best friend helps him meet a young lady at church by calling her house under the pretense of conducting a parish survey. The story illustrates how initial meetings can lead to friendships based on getting to know another’s virtue over time.

Stock Market Colleague: Berquist knew a man working in the stock market who would pass useful tips back and forth with a colleague. There was a kind of useful friendship between them, with mutual exchange of advantages.

High School Chess Club: Berquist knew high school friends who were passionate about chess and would spend all night at the chess club. They were friends based on shared pleasure in chess. When interests changed, the friendship would naturally dissolve.

College Student Recommendations: A common example—college students are pleasant to professors while seeking recommendations, but once they obtain the position, they move on to those who can recommend them in their new field. The friendship was useful-based and did not endure.

Notable Quotes #

“Give me that man that is not passion’s slave, and I will wear him in my heart of hearts.” (Hamlet on Horatio—friendship based on virtue)

“Let me not to the marriage of two minds admit impediments. Love is not love which alters when alteration finds.” (Shakespeare, Sonnet 116—describing perfect friendship’s stability)

“We have no permanent friends, but we have permanent interests.” (British statesman—characterizing utility-based friendship between nations)

“Few are good, many are bad.” (Ancient Greek saying, echoed in Christian Scripture: “Many are called, but few are chosen”)

“It is not possible to know each other before they have taken the required amount of salt together.” (Aristotle’s proverb—friendship requires time and familiarity)

Questions Addressed #

What is the difference between goodwill and friendship? #

• Goodwill (εὔνοια) can be one-sided; a person can wish well to someone they have never met
• Friendship requires mutual goodwill that is known to both parties
• Benevolent persons may have goodwill toward those ignorant of their benevolence, but this does not constitute friendship
• True friendship must be reciprocated and recognized

Why cannot inanimate objects be friends? #

• Objects cannot return love or goodwill
• One cannot genuinely wish good to an object one intends to consume (wine, candy, steak)
• Wishing an object “well” would be laughable if motivated by genuine concern for the object’s welfare
• True friendship requires the beloved to return love for the lover’s sake

How do the three types of friendship relate to the lovable? #

• Each type of friendship corresponds to a different kind of lovable object
• Where the lovable differs, the love differs, and therefore the friendship differs
• This is analogous to how different objects (color, sound) produce different senses (sight, hearing)

Why is perfect friendship more stable than utility or pleasure friendships? #

• Utility friendships dissolve when usefulness ceases (changing circumstances, changing needs)
• Pleasure friendships dissolve when pleasure ceases (changing interests, aging, loss of beauty or wit)
• Virtue is stable; therefore friendship based on virtue is stable
• The virtuous remain good, so the foundation of the friendship does not change

Can friendship exist without time and familiarity? #

• No. The wish for friendship can arise quickly, but true friendship cannot
• One must come to know the other’s virtue through experience
• Trust requires proven trustworthiness over time
• The proverb about taking salt together emphasizes that friendship is formed by choice but matured by time

Why are the virtuous both useful and pleasant to each other? #

• A courageous man is more useful in battle than a coward
• A wise man is more useful in giving good advice than a fool
• A moderate man is more pleasant to be around and more trustworthy
• The virtuous are naturally more pleasant to be with than the vicious
• However, in perfect friendship, these are secondary benefits, not the primary reason for the friendship

What does Aristotle mean by saying lower friendships are “by accident”? #

• Utility and pleasure friendships depend on accidental qualities that may change
• One is useful today but not tomorrow; one is pleasant today but not tomorrow
• Perfect friendship is based on virtue, which is intrinsic to the person
• When the accident (utility, pleasure) ceases, the friendship ceases
• When virtue ceases (which is rare), the friendship ceases

Structure and Method #

Berquist employs Aristotle’s method of analysis through first principles:

• Begin with the object (the lovable) to understand the act (love) and the habit (friendship)
• This parallels the study of the soul: knowing the objects of sense (color, sound) allows us to understand the acts of sense (seeing, hearing) and the faculties themselves
• By carefully distinguishing the three kinds of lovable, we can distinguish the three kinds of love and therefore the three kinds of friendship
• A proper definition requires all essential parts; omitting any part means failing to define the thing properly