5. Love of Wanting versus Love of Wishing Well

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Lecture Notes

Main Topics #

The Two Fundamental Divisions of Love #

• Love of wanting (amor concupiscentiae): One loves something because it is the good one desires for oneself; the beloved is loved for what it provides the lover
• Love of wishing well (amor amicitiae): One loves another and genuinely desires good to come to that person; the beloved is loved for their own sake
• These are not emotions versus acts of will, but two different orientations of the will itself
• The distinction applies to human love, love of God, and friendship

The Problem of Reductionism #

• Both types of love can be present simultaneously, but they are fundamentally different
• It is possible to love someone with only the love of wanting and never achieve the love of wishing well
• This explains many failed marriages and superficial relationships
• The love of wanting is not inherently bad but is imperfect when it exists alone

Being Simply versus Being in a Qualified Sense #

• Simply (simpliciter): Without qualification or limitation; as substance
• In a qualified sense (secundum quid): Only in a limited, particular, or imperfect way; as accident
• Example: When I die, I cease to be (simply). When I leave a room, I cease to be in this room (in a qualified sense)
• Applied to love: What is loved for its own sake is loved simply. What is loved for another is loved only in a qualified sense
• This distinction prevents sophistic confusion between absolute truth and partial truth

Applied to the Good #

• The good that exists simply is what has goodness in itself
• The good of another is good only in a limited sense
• Therefore, the love by which something is loved so that good comes to it is love simply
• The love by which something is loved so that it becomes good for another is love in a qualified sense

Friendship and Its Degrees #

• True friendship is based on the love of wishing well
• Friendships of the useful and pleasant contain some element of wishing good to the other, but this good is directed back to one’s own benefit
• Example: Plumbers and carpenters who recommend each other to clients; doctors who refer patients with different specialties
• Such friendships “fall short of the definition of true friendship” because the good wished is “brought back further to one’s own pleasure or utility”
• Only friendship based on virtue constitutes true friendship in the strict sense

Love and the Will versus Emotion #

• Love can be either an emotion or an act of the will; these are not the same thing
• The two divisions (wanting versus wishing well) are divisions of the will, not of emotional love
• Students often mistake love for emotion alone and struggle to understand love as a choice
• When the priest asks “Do you take this person to be your spouse?” he is asking for a choice (act of will), not inquiring about feelings

Key Arguments #

The Structural Distinction #

• Love of wanting presupposes a lack or desire for something good for oneself
• Love of wishing well presupposes recognition of the beloved’s good and genuine desire for their flourishing
• The first involves being acted upon by a good one desires; the second involves willing good to another

Why Both Can Exist #

• A person can love another with both kinds of love, but they operate differently
• Example: A mother is loved by her family both as the one who provides care (love of wanting) and as a person whose own good is desired (love of wishing well)
• When only the love of wanting exists, the beloved is valued only for what they provide
• When the mother is away and family members miss only her services (not her own welfare), they demonstrate only the love of wanting

The Criterion for True Love #

• True love is marked by genuine concern for the beloved’s good, not just what they provide
• “Do you love me or do you love my money?” illustrates the difference: if one loves another only for their wealth, one does not truly love the person
• A woman who experiences only the love of wanting from suitors (being pursued for beauty alone) seeks something higher

Love in the Order of Generation #

• Augustine and others note that faith generates first, then hope, then charity
• Objection: How can hope precede love if hope involves desire and presupposes love?
• Resolution: The love that precedes charity in the order of generation is the love of wanting (need love), not the love of wishing well
• Charity is the perfected love: wishing God’s honor and glory (not merely seeking God for one’s own needs)

The Distinction Between Friendship and Wanting #

• The objection claims the division conflates friendship with wanting
• Resolution: The division is not “by friendship and wanting” but “by the love of friendship and the love of wanting”
• One to whom we wish some good is properly called a friend; what we wish for ourselves is called want
• “The love of friendship” names it from its proper object (friendship); “the love of wanting” names it from what it seeks (a good for oneself)

The Object of Love and Its Nature #

• What is loved by the love of friendship is loved simply, without qualification, and through itself
• What is loved by the love of wanting is not loved simply by itself but is loved for another (for what it provides the lover)
• The comparison: Just as being simply is existence, and being in some respect is in another, so the good simply has goodness, while the good of another is good only in a limited sense

Important Definitions #

Love (amor): The conformity or agreement of the heart (the desiring power) with its object; fundamentally a fitting together or harmony between the lover and the beloved

Love of wanting (amor concupiscentiae): Love in which one loves something as a good for oneself; the beloved is valued as an object of desire that fulfills a lack in the lover

Love of wishing well (amor amicitiae): Love in which one loves another for their own sake and genuinely desires their good; proper to friendship in the true sense

Simply (simpliciter): Without qualification or limitation; absolutely; as pertaining to the nature of a thing itself

In a qualified sense (secundum quid): Limited, partial, or in a particular respect only; as accident inheres in substance

Friendship (amicitia): A relationship characterized by the love of wishing well to the other; perfected only when based on virtue

Examples & Illustrations #

Romantic Love #

• A young man seeing a beautiful girl at a dance and feeling attraction: He is thinking “she is the good I want for myself,” not “I am good for her.” This is the love of wanting
• When the beauty fades or a more beautiful woman appears, the love dissolves because the object of desire has changed
• True romantic love must progress to wishing well to the beloved; otherwise it collapses when external goods (beauty, youth, wealth) diminish

Marriage #

• Some marriages are built on only the love of wanting: when one partner is beautiful or wealthy or provides services, the other is attracted; when these goods disappear or diminish, the marriage fails
• A stable marriage reflects partners who genuinely wish well to each other, as one student observed in her own parents’ marriage
• The wedding vow is a choice (act of will to wish well), not a feeling; this is why the priest asks for a choice, not an emotional report

Family Relationships #

• A mother away for a week or two: The family misses her services (the lunch she makes, the laundry she does, the care she provides), but this reveals they love her only with the love of wanting
• A mother’s disappointment: She wants to be loved for her own sake, not merely for what she does
• Children’s question: When asked what would happen if something happened to the mother, children who are relieved that aunts would care for them reveal they had only the love of wanting; the mother’s own welfare was not their primary concern

Religious Love #

• Some people love God only with the love of wanting: seeking Him for their needs, their salvation, their comfort
• True charity is the love of wishing well to God: desiring God’s honor and glory (“Hallowed be thy name” in the Our Father)
• The first petition of the Lord’s Prayer (thy name be hallowed) concerns God’s good; the second (thy kingdom come) is more ambiguous but includes God’s kingdom and glory
• Moving from need love to charity is a progression toward perfection, fully realized in the next life

Utility Friendships #

• A plumber and carpenter who refer business to each other and genuinely help one another: They do wish some good to each other (profitable referrals), but this good is ordered back to their own profit
• Doctors recommending specialists: They wish good to their colleagues, but the referrals ultimately benefit their own practice
• Such relationships contain something of the love of wishing well but fall short of true friendship because the good is “brought back further to one’s own pleasure or utility”

Notable Quotes #

“For the one to whom we wish some good is properly called a friend, but what we wish for ourselves is said to want.” — Thomas Aquinas, via Berquist

“Simply and without qualification, she’d say, you don’t love me, right? Because that’s not the love of friendship.” — Berquist, on a woman discovering she is loved only for her money

“If you’re just the love of wanting of God, you don’t have charity. Charity is a love of wishing well.” — Berquist

“When the girl’s beauty is somewhat lost, there’s another more beautiful one comes along… if you get married with only the love of wanting, that’s not enough, is it?” — Berquist

“Do you love me or do you love my money?” — Berquist, illustrating the distinction between the two loves

Questions Addressed #

Can both loves exist simultaneously in one relationship? #

• Answer: Yes, both the love of wanting and the love of wishing well can coexist. However, they are genuinely two different kinds of love, not the same thing viewed differently. A mother can be loved both for the care she provides (love of wanting) and for her own sake (love of wishing well), but the family may fail to achieve the second if they only miss her services.

How do these two loves relate to the order of generation in faith, hope, and charity? #

• Answer: The love of wanting (need love) naturally precedes charity in the order of generation. We first love God for what He provides (salvation, comfort, protection), which involves hope. Only later do we progress to charity, which is the love of wishing well to God—desiring His honor and glory for their own sake.

Is the love of wanting morally acceptable? #

• Answer: The love of wanting is not inherently sinful or wrong; it is natural and comes first. However, it is imperfect when it remains alone. In marriage, romantic relationships, and religious life, the love of wanting should progress toward and be perfected by the love of wishing well. A relationship based only on the love of wanting lacks stability and true goodness.

How does one distinguish between the two loves in practice? #

• Answer: Ask: Do I genuinely wish good to this person for their own sake, or do I value them primarily for what they provide me? When your beloved (spouse, parent, friend, or God) is absent or no longer provides what you want, do you mourn their loss for their sake, or only lament what you have lost? A mother’s test: Do her children care about her welfare, or only about her services?

Why does Thomas say the love of wanting is “not simply and by itself loved, but is loved for another”? #

• Answer: In the love of wanting, the beloved is valued not for what it is in itself but for what it provides to the lover. The beloved is an instrument for the lover’s good. In contrast, in the love of wishing well, the beloved is valued in itself, for their own sake, simply and without qualification. This corresponds to the philosophical distinction between being simply (substance) and being in a qualified sense (accident).

What is the role of this distinction in friendship? #

• Answer: True friendship (amicitia) requires the love of wishing well. Friendships based only on utility or pleasure contain something of wishing good to the other, but this good is ordered back to one’s own benefit. Only in friendship based on virtue do we find the perfected form of the love of wishing well, where the beloved is loved for their own sake and their good is sought without being “brought back” to one’s own advantage.

Connections to Broader Thomistic Framework #

Being and Goodness #

• The distinction between simply and in a qualified sense is fundamental to Thomistic metaphysics
• It mirrors the distinction between substance and accident
• Applied to love, it clarifies that true love (the love of wishing well) aligns with loving what is simply good, while the love of wanting pursues a qualified good

The Order of the Virtues #

• Charity (supernatural friendship with God) perfects the natural capacity for love
• The progression from faith to hope to charity mirrors the progression from the love of wanting to the love of wishing well
• Understanding this distinction helps clarify what charity actually is: not sentiment, but the will’s choice to seek God’s good